Fade away

I'd like to think I feel jaded already.
Rightly so I should.. yet so strangely.. I am not.

The actions and outcome are as true now as they were some weeks ago but I have no rigid defenses to outspeak/outreason him.

Because I still think fondly of him.

I know too however, with all his effort that entails in a relationship, it is just too difficult to do long term.

Once, it was the question if we had started off on the wrong foot.
Then there were uncertainties about emotional stability, his walk with God and the painful "I need to walk this alone."
In "better" breakup times, we would break up on the basis of him not being able to accept me for who I am (punctuality, cannot understand tennis language). In "worse" breakup times, it would be a split due to the uncertainty of his love for me; or if he even did love me at all.
Then, there was the commitment problem breakup, the leader urged us breakup and the I read the bible and I am still not emotionally stable enough for you breakup.

The final damage was an incompatibility breakup (in his words, "not a love problem") - a lost of desire to communicate with me.

Looking back, I suppose I always thought I wouldn't remember how we broke up.
But not quite. I do remember.
Yet there were a reason too many.
Which stood, which didn't? I don't know.

Perhaps that is why I've always only had one answer, one reason exist.

That the call on the relationship depends on his mere emotion.
Fluctuating emotions.

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

Let's not talk about faith for commitment (yet). But faith for even continuity; to stay and journey through the relationship.
I guess not : (

But yet what do you know...

it was a bundle of excitement, fear yet of exhilaration, sadness yet of desire when I heard his voice yesterday.
The voice I wish I could go home to, to pay a midnight cab charge to, all just because I want to.

Yet when he said that there was no more turning back - the voice of hatred, the voice of pure bleak -it pierced me.

I should thank him (rightly so) because that would mean no more heartbreaks. Yet against nothing else, I felt a cold chill down my spine as I cried my last tears for the man I love.

Yes I still think fondly of him.

But I will fade away, I will move away.

because he wants you to be with someone else, Mel. Someone but him.
Remember that.
Forever.