I'm not a show-off, God shows me off.

I received a rose today, and indeed happy. Because my Father loves me.
He sets my circumstances right, my paths straight and turns all mistakes to blessings.
I have a Father who loves me with an everlasting love, the love that sets me to be the woman He wants me to be, a love that goes beyond my faults and emotions.

I'm loved and through the card and rose, I feel appreciated. Truely.

I just placed the rose in sugar water (the best no less!!)! And maybe that sounds crazy but I love flowers and the plastic sheet has squashed the petals to near-death. I will take care of her until she wilts, she shall not turn weary in my hands until her due time AMEN!

I feel good too, that in the face of ugly reality, I have Jesus to count on.
When was "S-for-Sex?-gesturing-to-me-who-you-are-talking-to" any of my business.
I felt morally offended until SJ hissed to me, "She's a show-off" and gave me the most incredible hug.

and then as I walked to my seat, God showed me a sticker on someone's bible that said, "When God made me, He was showing off."

And there, the hurt I felt held no meaning. The girl I disliked today, erased in my imperfect memory.

I cant even begin to measure My Father's love for me.

Unmeasurable.

Blow off

Once you've had your time listening to things you dont want to hear - that pricks at your heart, hurt seeping down your throat and that strange taste in your mouth - you try to swallow but there's nothing anyway - just a painful lump of air -- you know you've explored sadness.

In my defence, well. I have absolutely no defence.

I am just a way of the obvious.

Can I approach and embrace all that, unencumbered by my lousy feelings?
Failing that, is it possible to permanently disable the stimulation brain gland to think until I'm at least 35?

I know. I too amaze myself at my self-fed hurt.


Sometimes a sailed away boat at the riverlake is just a sailed away boat - and none of my business.

Wandering around in a daze of unreality

Why has it been good all these while?

Because it is better NOT to be myself.
I dont trust me to be myself.



Thank You Jesus, You perfect me.

But I know I cannot.

Truth be told my recent emotions have reduced my Holding Up Well threshold to almost zero.
Not that God did not come true - He did : ) He more than did.

It was me. Me that allowed my feelings to strike a cord with my brain and my body. More stress than benefit really.
It makes less and less sense feeling the way I do, yet it seems to cut so right because feeling really feels like the way forward. And to continue doing it.

What I'm saying is.. I dont know what I'm saying.

I want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him. To act on impulse today.
To be the rash person I was before, to feel stupid but to feel it was all worthwhile.
To be remembered for something I did to make full (fool) of myself.
To for once, be indignantly wrong. To be traditionally hurt.

But I know I cannot.


He gets on just fine without me.

You love me Lord.

It's april.

Where have I been?
I do realise I only write entries when I feel sad.

Do I feel sad today? Not really, just plenty of thoughts running through my mind.
Plenty.

Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they are okay, sometimes,.... they are not okay at all.



Thank God I'm not my feelings. I am not.