To you

I guess I have 2 people I want to dedicate this entry to. I do not want to mention who, in fact, I do not even know if they will read this but if they do, they will know.

I am upset today. Not angry. Just really upset.
Getting misunderstood is fine. I get that. But to have you not stand up for me when you know what he said was not true HURT me. Please do not think I cannot move on, or I am blabbering here because I am bitter over what happened.
I am disappointed because I know that he does not understand how I feel - but, surely you do? You would, wouldn't you? I share everything with you : ( You are the only person I told this of. Pea has not even learnt of this.

Why is it when he said I do not understand his decision is a good decision and that I only wanted love and to walk this journey, the miseryguts of sounding like all I ever wanted was to force him into a relationship, YOU SAID NOTHING?
You do not have to blame him, but why did you not stand up for me? Me. Your friend.

You then send me an email to tell me how I am also at fault and I have to move on. To tell me his decision is a very good decision.
Whenever did I say IT WAS A BAD DECISION? Whenever did I not agree to it? Whenever did I not want to move on?
Why is there seemingly this need to know from good and evil? The tree of knowledge of good and evil brings about death. Why is there such a strong need to prove to me that his decision is good? I cannot be bothered. Because I too agree it is good. I really do.
Why this sense of self-righteousness? This reasoning, this very religious behaving. I do not like it.

Maybe I lack the courage to speak to you. Maybe my email to you was too rude.
But please know, I am not inherently crazy to want to stick to this relationship and not move on. Since when? Your worries are meaningless. Do you not trust my Father?

Also, to you (him), you are entitled to your opinions (of me).
But given my space here, I want to tell you I have never felt more glad of the decision you made. When I tell you I respect it, I really do. If you felt that I forced you into making the decision to walk the journey together, I apologise. That never was my intention.

My only grief was the fight-breakup, kiss-makeup that happened so frequently, even moving on was a whirlwind of mess. But I allowed it too, didn't I. I wanted a closure and my decision was firm because I gave you the breakup you wanted, but moving on, even my normal life would sometimes be questionable to you. That I would do something 'wrong' or 'stupid'. You hurt me. Or I hurt you. So I gave you the option and my choice. My choice because I love you. I really did.

You mentioned how can two walk together unless they agree. But it is ridiculous. We are not agreeing to walk together (not for a relationship, not even really a friendship), you are not intending to, so why would I want to unless you do? I agree with you! I agree with you walking your own journey! But there even if we AGREE, this verse is not one abit applicable to us. We agreed NOT to walk together. That's that. No association.

Everything I wrote in my previous entry speaks none of a jerk, not of you I would call a jerk, if you would believe. Writing what I wrote speaks nothing of whether I agree with it being a good decision or not.
I am just utterly in my world of conviction that I was not loved more than I should have. How is that offensive to you? I hope it is not.

My other grief is despite having 'hurt' me over the year, there is no apology. Never mind, maybe I do not need an apology. But what does not help is despite the emotional affliction, you always say NEVER MIND GOD LOVES YOU. You know, GOD REALLY LOVES YOU. AND I KNOW HE DOES. But try being the injured party- and all the injurer ever does say is only how much he is being loved by God. Not even a trace of sadness that he has indeed caused some grief to you.

How would I believe you love me? Even though this is a good decision, what reaction are you expecting from me? That I HAVE TO BE THANKFUL TO YOU for making such a kind decision? That you so loved me you chose not to hurt me? Get real, we are still in this world. I have feelings. While I do not hate you, I really believe I do not stand a place in your heart. I agree with your decision, but I do not have to believe your non-existant love for me. I agree with your decision only because I want to be with someone who loves me.

This post is for you. Never mind if you read and laugh. Never mind if you think I am reasoning.
I have nothing to hide. I am still the same Mel.

My heart has well and truly failed me for the time being.
That is why I write this, right?

Thank you for reading.