A cry above

Powerless to resist a cry today, I did it during office hours.
It actually felt really, really good.

My much needed settling came to the rights of my mind a lot later and realised -
He is normal.
I am different.

He. is. very. nice.
I. dont. like. nice.

He is liberal.
I still have insecuritites.


Maintaining a hard shell of cool will be my very best bet.

But I am happier. JESUS <3

No formulas; just His love

Whoops. I think I recently changed my sleeping time to 3am.

By feeling I would say today is just trash.
By rightful value I would say today is a very God day.

Of late I have been stretched, tested, challenged and poked at so much it has become severely NORMAL for me to believe my feelings are rubbish. Because nothing stands for feelings.
Nothing.

I was griefed when I became someone's dart board today. Favourite board to say the least.
When it happened the first time today, I was okay. When it happened the second time, I was half-okay. When it happened THE THIRD TIME, I WAS NOT OKAY!
Of cos.
I'll be absolutely flaky if I said I was please.

This very humourless incident took place just about everywhere I was today. I do not feel like rehearsing the mix-hurt; so let me just use, lack of a better word - INDIGNATION (once again).
Frankly this is the perfect word to use for (really). It is also synonyms with Angry, Resentful and Mad.

Haha. Well. Never denied I got angry.

The bloody tongue to snide back. I just held it.
Offended. Hurt. Outraged (on the inside).
Sorry but which part of normal-friends-talk-to-each-other-in-a-non-voice-raising manner do you not understand?

I know. I am a bugger also.

Lynn asked me this really good question:
"Mel, if he keeps doing this to you, do you think you'll one day just not love him anymore?"

I said,
"Ya."

But God is really cute. He asked me, "Why?"
I reflected back at my answer, wondering if it is an answer founded on the rojak-hurt or an answer I truely believed in.

Does this mean there is no more forgiveness the next time this happens?
If so, how do you calculate enough forgiveness? When will forgiveness end?

Crazy. It doesn't.

Forgiveness is everyday, everything!!! Omg.
How will a change in behaviour remove the need to forgive? There are so many more things for you to forgive. Wait and some people can give you somemore.
I do too (make people angry) but that's not the point.

If this love is based on behaviour, I would have left LONG AGO (come on agree with me). To question whether I will love him [anymore] based on his doings and behaviour is totally irrelevant now isn't it? You don't love someone on the account of pleasant things he does, right? Same you wouldn't stop loving someone for the wrong things he does.
[That said, please do not go out and marry a fool - we are on the topic of love and forgiveness, not blind and insanity] [Do not bother asking me if I will thus, avail myself to him now; the answer is NO! I have a brain]

And because amid it all, I have the best author: GOD - To WRITE MY LOVE STORY.
Beautiful love story.

Who am I to worry?

My greatest honour will always be to serve my Lord and King

Whao. Because whao does not mean wow in any sense, you'd have guessed my threshold for work has been greatly, greatly reduced. To zero, I think today.

I let everyone leave the office by 7pm and myself stay back; either because I have not finished my work or work never ends. Yes, these two complement each other.

I let go and cried on my notebook. I kept crying. Pouring my heart to Jesus.

Why is my work so unfulfilling yet taxing?
Why am I tasked to do everything (Legal to HR to Finance to Data Entry)?
Why does it seem like my boss is killing me very softly?

Spending time doing things I don't enjoy is starting to make less and less sense.

I look at her emails and remind myself she is bread for me.
But even that thought didn't digest. Eating her would be terribly undelicious (insert laugh?)

I dried my tears, contemplated skipping tennis for the 3rd time but went anyway.
The journey there made great by my Lord Jesus, who asked me again, "Do you trust Me? Do you know I love you?"
I returned Him myself and the urge to take flight.
Jesus took over.

At 10:16pm I received an email (from her). Generously polite and unfrightening.
Jesus forced her to send it to me. Haha

I did not have the best tennis game. But I had the best love / comfort / help I ever wanted - JESUS.

Soggy sleepy; almost a wonderland of romantic slush I'm writing

Spent some quality time with pea today before the week hits "PACKED", catching up with the goss, fellowshipping, shopping and missing every bit of this married best friend (while still seeing so much of her!).

I want to get married too!

Aww. I did so much before, then I didn't so much, and then didn't at all. Now I do (!) again!
[I won't make you believe]

In theory I probably shouldn't believe in love (right now) but I still do (like you Mandy! Woohoo!), very much indeed thank you. I'm still deemed in the right spirit okay! Because God says so!

Spoke to L just now. Found out he is dating!
A little sketch of a really happy him wandered my mind. I smile. I'm happy. I'm not surprised he's seeing someone, I'm more surprised how almost indifferent I feel towards someone I used to think so fondly of, fell so quickly for, fought with, cried with, laughed with and towards the end, a bad breaking up with.

It feels funny - what once was called it, is now best lost to the winds of time, proving Jesus heals all wounds and our stupid imperfect memories.

But do we all move on like that?
To paraphrase my statement, isn't it tiring meeting new people?

I'm thinking: Yes, it is tiring.
I'm believing: But it is good.
I'm thinking: No it isn't.
I'm believing: I'm sure it is.


Oh, I'm drowsing off. I'd had the sort of day where you wake up already tired and it never quite comes together from there.
Mwah. Out.

The God I know

Although I am not from CHC and I love NCC uber much, this is an incredible song : )

Glory to Jesus!

Love will never weary me

I spent time with MOMMMYYYY today! And whipped up dinner : ))))

Steeped in a sort of nostalgia. I miss Dad. For that, I'm making a mental note to spend more time with mom. She is really happy today!! The littlest things we did - Grocery shopping and fighting to carry my laptop bag - I know I was a big part of my mom's life ten years ago. I know I still am.

I love her.

Her birthday is 17-June.. the day after tomorrow.

Give me ideas Abba! : )))


Kept in His heart, cherished and jealously loved; my Lord Jesus - I love You too.

No tour is a detour with Jesus

At the heart of it I know the other person is on the same side. He is as entitled to his feelings as I am. Even if he thinks I am wrong, it does not matter. Irrelevance kicked to the curb.

It really isn't funny (or fun for the matter) taking the emotional roller coaster ride. Try not getting emotional after a whole year of rides. It is a monster! It is.
BUT it shall be Bread for me! Monster big bread!
Like the weathered tree, I get stronger : )))

Service was a punch-fist-in-the-air awesome! (Decidingly again, what is new? It always gets better right?)
I also attended my first mission trip meeting today! (Insert a little Nobody dance)
I'm all glee and REVVED up to go. Roar.
I feel privileged and honoured to be selected from an over-subscribed(!!) mission trip to go - the foolish, the weak, the base are chosen, are called. I am set up to be a blessing but much more will I be blessed! Myself, personally, I am bowled over by His grace and power. His ever assurance for me to, "GO!"

I am called : )

Jeremiah 1:4-9

Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
5 “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

6 Then said I:
“ Ah, Lord GOD!
Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”

7 But the LORD said to me:
“ Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’
For you shall go to all to whom I send you,
And whatever I command you, you shall speak.

8 Do not be afraid of their faces,
For I am with you to deliver you,” says the LORD.

9 Then the LORD put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me:
“ Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.

10 See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms,
To root out and to pull down,
To destroy and to throw down,
To build and to plant.”


I am also seriously blessed and empowered by the wonderful ladies God has placed in my life.
I am thankful (kisses and hugs), I really am.
I did nothing to deserve them, I give nothing to keep them. What truely warms my heart is the love they pour out to me, the love they love me with, a love that loves me because I am Mel, just because I am me. It is a God's love for me. I adore it.

Thank you Jesus : D

When I become the object for blame

I am nothing, if not dismayed, sometimes to the point of hurtfulness.

I could be raised on a diet of Maybe I'm just not good enough (??) [even when I am moving on(!?)] - the mix of insult judgement and righteous indignation.

That somehow, I still managed to make a mistake. Somewhere.


But what right do I have swallowing the lies of such blast?

When I am highly esteemed by the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
Bought at a high price - the price of Jesus.

What right do I have when righteousness is a gift and is completely unmerited?
It stands. Truth stands. There I stand.

While realities cannot be denied [I am the object for blame], BE STILL.
No fight, no flight. Only STILL.

God, my deliverer.

How beautiful is a sleep

I'm heading to bed now! Because headaches have no dominion over me!!
My new sleeping time shall be set at ... 1am!? (perhaps)

I'm still on the book of Wild at Heart, so beautiful.
Look at John and Stasi Eldredge, even though they entered an almost failing marriage together, they are now stronger and ever more loving! Because Christ holds all things together!!!
How else do you explain the anointing of this book?

That means we all have HOPE : )))))


Goodnight
XXXXXX

For every woman

I've never been the sort to read men's books. Such things I thought were just,.. well, not for women.
But the John & Stasi Eldredge book combines both the Captivating (for women) and Wild at Heart (for men) books in one volume and sits right on my table.

I would be too rude to refuse.

Wild at Heart is incredible and is God speaking.
And if you read Captivating, you would know the reason God created women, how we bear the image of God, how precious and worthy and longing God's heart is to love us. If you read Wild at Heart, it still speaks to how important and breathtakingly captivating you are to God and to the warrior God has called to love you.

I like this,
"But Stasi married a frightened, driven man who had an affair with his work because he wouldn't risk engaging a woman he sensed he wasn't enough for. He wasn't mean; He wasn't evil. He was nice. And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing in the world a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a Really Nice Guy. Her worst fear was realised - she will never really be loved, never really be fought for. And so she hid herself some more.

Years into the marriage he found himself blindsided by it all. Where is the beauty he once saw? What happened to the woman he once fell in love with?
He didn't really expect an answer to his question. It was more a shout of rage than a desperate plea. But Jesus answered him anyway, 'She's still in there; but she's captive. Are you willing to go in after her?' He realised that he had - like so many men - married for safety.
He married a woman he thought would never challenge him as a man. Stasi adored him; what more does he need to do? He wanted to look like the knight, but he didn't want to bleed like one.

If the man refuses to offer himself, then his wife remain empty and barren. A violent man destroys with his words; a silent man starves his wife.

Most men want the maiden without any sort of cost to themselves. They want all the joys of the beauty without any of the woes of the battle. This is the sinister nature of pornography - enjoying the woman at her expense. Pornography is what happens when a man insists on being energized by a woman; he uses her to get a feeling that he is a man. It is a false strength because it depends on an outside source rather than emanating from deep within his center. And it is the paragon of selfishness. He offers nothing but takes everything.

Why don't men offer what they have to their women? Because they know deep down in their guts that it won't be enough. There is an emptiness to Eve after the Fall and no matter how much you pour into her she will never be filled. This is where so many men falter. Either they refuse to give what they can, or keep pouring and pouring into her and all the while feel like a failure because she is still needing more.
The barrenness of Eve you can never hope to fill. She needs God more than she needs you, just as you need Him more than you need her.

'What if the relationship doesnt work?' he asked. So many men are asking the same question. Work for what? Validate you as a man? Resurrect your heart in a day? Do you see now that you can't bring your question to Eve? No matter how good a man you are you can never be enough. If she's the report card on your strength then you'll ultimately get an F. But that's not why you love her - to get a good grade. You love her because that's what you are made to do; that's what a real man does."

Ladies, only a champion may win you; only the most valiant, daring and brave warrior has a chance. Just as Jesus has won your heart, so shall the man worthy of you.

Discover and rest in the love of God. We are His beauty and the princess in the tower waiting for the rescue in our fairy tale : )

"Last of the romantics I am", I say.

Strange how it took me so long (a month?) to finally visit the drs today. The lump beside my ear although not painful, has gotten me to respond and find out what it exactly is!?

True in the field God has paid the price of death for me that I may have life, not death and albeit I would rather be the least worrisome person, the lump still once every while reminded me of the lump I had right before the shingles happened and God forbid(!) I do not want to start exploring thoughts of how irksome it had been.
It shall never come back to me. Praise God.

Visiting the drs confirmed there is nothing wrong : )
Only a joint problem I have been experiencing for awhile but even that shall have no hold over my body. The unlocked jaws shall lock themselves back to whole because I have a living healthy sound body - a body Jesus died to pay for. An overpayment of a perfect body.

"How am I lately?"
Wow, I like this question. I get this question a lot.
But seemingly also, do not have the capacity of answering it to my fullest capability and have allowed the represented change in moods to catch on.

I look forward to the move. A new beginning.
Although letting go of things means fettering myself to a new set of ideas of what to do with my lifestyle again and reactions again and comfort zones again but it's worthwhile : ))

I know these are changes that have been a long time coming and I should be really grateful they are finally under way.
Just strange again how long it took me to see to put this back on track because sometimes when you're on the planet of hurt, you feel long-suffering (That's why it's called patience right?)
You do the things you need to but it's tough but you know it's love. You know it's God.
Until God told me yesterday, "Mel, you're just tired my love. Please go to bed."

Yeap, I really was dogged tired.

Came down with a fever today (not swine flu HeeHee) but am so glad it was the slight low immunity and fatigue that had constituted to my emotional rounds.

On the topic of extremes, I figured post-mel May 2009 although alot less emotional, belongs to the when-happy-very-happy-when-sad-very-sad extreme. If there ever was an example, I think I would be rolling on an expressway after an arguement. Haha.
But thank God for the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness which has caused me to be alot braver and courageous, stronger and bold to do what I need to, to shoot arrows and trust in His business that will prosper my business - because my business is His business: )




Uncertainty has always been the catalyst for this.
Therefore I do not want. This shall be the certainty.

Till romance happens again, ciao ; )

Like a sponge,

I soaked up the crazy love God had for me yesterday.
Romanced by my Father who brings love to me.

Notice not I to Him? Because no matter how much I love Him, I know He loves me even more.
I will never be able to understand the fullness and depth of His love for me - His love will always be higher and greater than my love. And that is what blows me away.
I will never keep up. I will never love Him more than He loves me. I will never even love myself more than He loves me.
This is His crazy love.

Which is why I feel that Jesus loves me is a statement, completely UNDERSTATED. Yeap, how do you even start measuring?
You dont, you just receive : ))))

I am blessed by Pastor Judah Smith's msg last night, a dvd from Hillsong Conference my cg and I caught.

I must must blog it down because I dont ever want to forget this. Ever.

Pastor Judah Smith spoke about hugs, about how his love language belongs to touch and words - Wow, you know I thought I was the only person (at least from what I knew) who loves to be loved this way. Yippie! Because I have the same love language as a pastor! Till I get the book of love language to double confirm and double wow.

He mentioned about hugs. How an old man once tried to get away from a hug, mumbling , "Uhmm, mmm ya ya, mm".
There was awkwardness for this man. He was uncomfortable with the hug. A little disturbed perhaps.

And hugs are like grace.

Grace comes to you. You don't go to grace.
Grace wants to embrace you, love you.
Grace does not come under logic, cause or effect, reasoning or science.
Grace comes right to you, whether you like it or not.
Grace is a person. Not teaching, not doctrine, not values.
And
Where Jesus is, Grace is.

Pastor Judah Smith also shared about the story we know very well. Luke 15, the parable of the lost son.
Oh yea, we know - been there, done that, read that, right?

But Jesus surprises me : ) yet again. Nothing new actually. Jesus, King of Romance, Enchantment and Surprises. How do you ever grow sick of this? You never. You just fall deeper in love.

Luke 15:17 when the son came to himself, and said he will arise and go to his father and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against Heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants." And he arose and came to his father.
But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, "Father I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son."

Notice the son had "planned" to tell his father of his unworthiness? He came to himself and felt that even the servants at his father's house were better off than him. And so he mentioned what he would tell to his father - His unworthiness.

But guess what? His great planning, his remorseful speech, his "plot" to impress his father that he felt unworthy, all to get back into the good grace of his own father IS STILL FAR OFF.

Because when was he ever worthy?
Never.

Simply put, HE WAS NEVER A SON BY WORTH.

HE WAS A SON BY BIRTH.

Praise God.

I am who I am by the grace of God. I am son by birth.
I have no right to apologise for who I am because I did not earn to be who I am today because of me.
I am who He made me to be.

I am righteous because He says I am.
I am blessed because He says I am.
I am worthy because He says I am.
I am who I am because He says "Mel, this is who you are, I made you this way. Enjoy and I LOVE YOU FOREVER."

This is who I am. Who my King says I am.

I AM A PRINCESS : ) True royal blood.