Fade away

I'd like to think I feel jaded already.
Rightly so I should.. yet so strangely.. I am not.

The actions and outcome are as true now as they were some weeks ago but I have no rigid defenses to outspeak/outreason him.

Because I still think fondly of him.

I know too however, with all his effort that entails in a relationship, it is just too difficult to do long term.

Once, it was the question if we had started off on the wrong foot.
Then there were uncertainties about emotional stability, his walk with God and the painful "I need to walk this alone."
In "better" breakup times, we would break up on the basis of him not being able to accept me for who I am (punctuality, cannot understand tennis language). In "worse" breakup times, it would be a split due to the uncertainty of his love for me; or if he even did love me at all.
Then, there was the commitment problem breakup, the leader urged us breakup and the I read the bible and I am still not emotionally stable enough for you breakup.

The final damage was an incompatibility breakup (in his words, "not a love problem") - a lost of desire to communicate with me.

Looking back, I suppose I always thought I wouldn't remember how we broke up.
But not quite. I do remember.
Yet there were a reason too many.
Which stood, which didn't? I don't know.

Perhaps that is why I've always only had one answer, one reason exist.

That the call on the relationship depends on his mere emotion.
Fluctuating emotions.

Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

Let's not talk about faith for commitment (yet). But faith for even continuity; to stay and journey through the relationship.
I guess not : (

But yet what do you know...

it was a bundle of excitement, fear yet of exhilaration, sadness yet of desire when I heard his voice yesterday.
The voice I wish I could go home to, to pay a midnight cab charge to, all just because I want to.

Yet when he said that there was no more turning back - the voice of hatred, the voice of pure bleak -it pierced me.

I should thank him (rightly so) because that would mean no more heartbreaks. Yet against nothing else, I felt a cold chill down my spine as I cried my last tears for the man I love.

Yes I still think fondly of him.

But I will fade away, I will move away.

because he wants you to be with someone else, Mel. Someone but him.
Remember that.
Forever.

Security in wisdom

At the heart of it, I still love stuffed toys and I never get sick of them.
This is Ellie; incredibly adorable I know. Very prized possession largely because I got him from the arcade. : )

Thank You Jesus;
I will not forget, nor turn away - my heart will retain Your words,
I will keep looking straight ahead, my eyelids look right before me.
I will not enter into battle. A battle that is Yours, Yours for mine (my life).
When I walk, my steps will not be hindered, and when I run, I will not stumble.
I take firm hold of instruction, I do not let go; I keep wisdom.

My security in wisdom is such that it is found by Your love Daddy.
That I choose wisdom over self; wisdom over circumstances; wisdom over actions; because it is better to choose You over anything else.

Security is not dictated by effort and situations. Security is choosing You.

I love You Daddy.

I live in an era where (somewhat) only new clothes thrive

But I am SO SO SO glad I never threw away my old ones.
Now I am cutting, sewing, folding and discovering how everything turns out. It's more fun than the original!

I promise not to be sick of doing new (old) things and still buy new (newer) things!

Has anyone been to ION? Everyone will tell you it's amazing! It's huge! There's Dunkin' Donuts!
But I will tell you it's too foreign (like Vivo).

I guess you could say I am boring and way-too-less-advanced.


Please watch this : )

Goldgoldgold

I was in uncomfortable shoes and a laptop bag but I was particularly excited.

I have not shopped for so long!

With Pea today, we lit on town, with the excellent concept of NO-DINNER-PLEASE! Because dinner spoils shopping time. Dinner makes no time for shopping. Dinner closes shopping malls.

We are very serious.

I made no plans to shop the town down; I just wanted to breathe in the beautiful shop fronts, hijack the new arrivals in the fitting room, feast on colours and texture of every garment - the empowerment of being female and loving every bit of it!

But words fail. And my heart does this little fashion squad dance at every drool-worthy piece.
In the end I bought this incredible Tsumori Chisato knockoff, actually it is not a knockoff - it just really looks like it (the bohemian prints and dose of colourful cuteness)!!
I adore it! PURE EYE CANDY.

I came home, really amazed at having shopped with a heavy laptop; tired, but happier than I did before the shopping. A good arm exercise, in retrospect.

More thriftstores, more shopping please!!!

On a side note, has anyone caught Secret Window? (JOHNNY DEPP!)
I have it in Video on Demand, which means I can watch it anytime.
Bearing in mind however, it is a horror / thriller film - I have since played it 5 times, resumed it 6 times but have barely hit half way (45 mins into the movie).

I see a trend here. And it probably relates to scared and watch and the relative timings (night) or company (no one at home) thereof.

I know. I get irritated at myself sometimes.


p/s I gave Lynnn my blog address : ) Something I only trust to do if I trust you enough. Thank you for asking for it, thank you for reading, thank you for being Hey hey : )))

His love for me is out of this world

I have been meaning to write about Sunday.

But then there is this distraction every once a while - succumbing to the likes of my favourite friends of the super quick photo uploads (Facebook!) because frankly, Mel is just too lazy for their pain in the wait.

So I made a quick stab at being photoloading punctual : )) *Beam*
Success!

Laziness is not from God! Begone in Jesus name. It shall have no part in me.

With a Sunday service like this (12July), one must allow tears to stream down face and give in to the embrace of God. Woah. My heartstrings were not just tugged at; my whole heart was moved. This cannot be best summarised by anything, nor bought at any price for what has been bought and overpaid by His Son, Jesus : )

God's design for life and to whom He loves, is too wonderful and beautiful for my mere words.

But my mere writing (typing) I shall still do because I never want to forget this.

Pastor Mark shared about the Father's love - making the case of a father to a child, him mostly - to his daughter - the involvement of him in her life not just physically but emotionally; not just a speech of love but an action of one; not just a shout of praise, a pat on the shoulder on good result days but encouragement and support on her very odd days.

It is not like he or she (son or daughter) planned to come to this world a failure / drug addict / murderer. As if they need you to remind them to feel guilty. As if guilt needs reminder. As if we are not already naturally guilt-ridden. As if we don't need Jesus?(!)

I actually love such audacity. To me, such audacity speaks of God's arrogance and fight to love me. He guards and loves me fiercely. That who so tries to rob me (of my joy, my possessions, my heart; who hurts me) shall have no power over me.
Because His love is irrational. It is unreasonable. It is unthinkable.
It is OUT OF THIS WORLD. He will love you in spite of you (don't we many times dislike ourselves?). He will love you in spite of anyone, anything, anyhow. He will love you like NO MAN WILL. Because you were created for Him to love. You are the object of His love. You are the recipient of His pouring love. His expression of love is for You. You are THIS loved.

It stirred me up. I just kept tearing. I think I literally felt my heart melt. It went into a winter wonderland of slush.

God is too unreasonable! He loves me too much.
And because of this, I shall be unreasonable as well. I will take it all.
Not so much a rudeness as an excuse to be loved and romanced by Jesus once again. Time out of mind. Time is out of my mind. My future will never be marred by time. Indeed.
He who holds time, holds me higher than time. My future is secured (fruitful) because of Him. Jesus.

Sunday also held a special meaning to me.
12 July. My dad's birthday.
My dad really loved me. He still does (in Heaven). Something I always knew - he was like Pastor Mark, loving his child despite her performance anywhere. It brought me to tears again, when I remembered how my dad gave me a tight hug when I was 16 in school, receiving my report card. I did badly for my prelims (for 'O' levels), the inability to justify my exam results produced only a response of a terrible cry.
My dad pulled me to him. He hugged me. He told me "It is okay."
(Is it any surprise TOUCH is both my sister and my love language? I am not surprised.)

I will never forget him. I will never stop loving him.

To date, I can never watch a dad-child show without crying. It has become existent in my life. I miss him. And here I am crying again as the missing deeply dives into the heart.

But you know what? It feels good. It really does.

Pea told me, "I know and remember your dad as how Pastor Mark described a loving father."

I am blessed with such an earthly father. He has loved me well. He is an integral part to who Mel is today. I do not have him with me here, in the natural sense. But he is in my loving memory forever. No other earthly dad shall ever replace him.

I may not have a dad physically here with me but remember God is a Father to the fatherless. Therefore I conclude I will be fathered MORE than anyone else. I can expect MORE fatherly love than anyone else because The KING is my Father. A Father who loves me exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all that I can ask, think or imagine.

Because He only gives me the best.
I love you Daddy GOD.

To my beloved babe

S, thank you for the talk.
I thank Jesus for you, I really do.

You are very dear to me. It does not matter what you said, it does not matter if you have hurt me, because I have too. You said you were too judgemental, but who am I? I am in no place to judge. I am blessed to have such a friend - you. Forever. And that will never change. I love youuu babe.

Friends, who love me in spite of me. Who stand by me in spite of me. Only because I am me.


Jesus, You place important friends in my life for me, to love me, as a gesture of Your love towards me. I am grateful.
I taste Your love. It is very good. I want You. I want You more.

I am the reason Jesus is here (with me)

Thank You Jesus

Morning will always come, Your light will always shine forth and You will always be here with me.

I am imperfect. Because when trash is piled up, filth is thrown at my face and I feel corrupted, I know I am not the best. But I will look to You. Just to You.

Because Your word is true.

You never give me up.

I will always remember You love me.

To you

I guess I have 2 people I want to dedicate this entry to. I do not want to mention who, in fact, I do not even know if they will read this but if they do, they will know.

I am upset today. Not angry. Just really upset.
Getting misunderstood is fine. I get that. But to have you not stand up for me when you know what he said was not true HURT me. Please do not think I cannot move on, or I am blabbering here because I am bitter over what happened.
I am disappointed because I know that he does not understand how I feel - but, surely you do? You would, wouldn't you? I share everything with you : ( You are the only person I told this of. Pea has not even learnt of this.

Why is it when he said I do not understand his decision is a good decision and that I only wanted love and to walk this journey, the miseryguts of sounding like all I ever wanted was to force him into a relationship, YOU SAID NOTHING?
You do not have to blame him, but why did you not stand up for me? Me. Your friend.

You then send me an email to tell me how I am also at fault and I have to move on. To tell me his decision is a very good decision.
Whenever did I say IT WAS A BAD DECISION? Whenever did I not agree to it? Whenever did I not want to move on?
Why is there seemingly this need to know from good and evil? The tree of knowledge of good and evil brings about death. Why is there such a strong need to prove to me that his decision is good? I cannot be bothered. Because I too agree it is good. I really do.
Why this sense of self-righteousness? This reasoning, this very religious behaving. I do not like it.

Maybe I lack the courage to speak to you. Maybe my email to you was too rude.
But please know, I am not inherently crazy to want to stick to this relationship and not move on. Since when? Your worries are meaningless. Do you not trust my Father?

Also, to you (him), you are entitled to your opinions (of me).
But given my space here, I want to tell you I have never felt more glad of the decision you made. When I tell you I respect it, I really do. If you felt that I forced you into making the decision to walk the journey together, I apologise. That never was my intention.

My only grief was the fight-breakup, kiss-makeup that happened so frequently, even moving on was a whirlwind of mess. But I allowed it too, didn't I. I wanted a closure and my decision was firm because I gave you the breakup you wanted, but moving on, even my normal life would sometimes be questionable to you. That I would do something 'wrong' or 'stupid'. You hurt me. Or I hurt you. So I gave you the option and my choice. My choice because I love you. I really did.

You mentioned how can two walk together unless they agree. But it is ridiculous. We are not agreeing to walk together (not for a relationship, not even really a friendship), you are not intending to, so why would I want to unless you do? I agree with you! I agree with you walking your own journey! But there even if we AGREE, this verse is not one abit applicable to us. We agreed NOT to walk together. That's that. No association.

Everything I wrote in my previous entry speaks none of a jerk, not of you I would call a jerk, if you would believe. Writing what I wrote speaks nothing of whether I agree with it being a good decision or not.
I am just utterly in my world of conviction that I was not loved more than I should have. How is that offensive to you? I hope it is not.

My other grief is despite having 'hurt' me over the year, there is no apology. Never mind, maybe I do not need an apology. But what does not help is despite the emotional affliction, you always say NEVER MIND GOD LOVES YOU. You know, GOD REALLY LOVES YOU. AND I KNOW HE DOES. But try being the injured party- and all the injurer ever does say is only how much he is being loved by God. Not even a trace of sadness that he has indeed caused some grief to you.

How would I believe you love me? Even though this is a good decision, what reaction are you expecting from me? That I HAVE TO BE THANKFUL TO YOU for making such a kind decision? That you so loved me you chose not to hurt me? Get real, we are still in this world. I have feelings. While I do not hate you, I really believe I do not stand a place in your heart. I agree with your decision, but I do not have to believe your non-existant love for me. I agree with your decision only because I want to be with someone who loves me.

This post is for you. Never mind if you read and laugh. Never mind if you think I am reasoning.
I have nothing to hide. I am still the same Mel.

My heart has well and truly failed me for the time being.
That is why I write this, right?

Thank you for reading.

The best excuse is still an excuse not to love you

This shall be the last I ever speak of him.

We finally had "The Talk". It should be called "The Answer". We don't need to talk. I just receive my answer and I go home.
Love me? Whenever did he? He said it is not about love. It is about him.
Of course. When was it EVER about me?

He has never loved you Mel.

If he did, he would not want to lose you. He would be so afraid of losing you. He would not be afraid of making mistakes. He would not be afraid of working things out. IF he loves you. IF.

YOU ARE NOTHING TO HIM. You mean you did not realise?

When he came back in April, and you took that leap of faith to believe him again, did you think it was for real? If it was, why are you here?
When challenges arise, does he stay? No. He flees. But he does not even flee with you. You are alone.

He enjoys the good times and escapes in the bad. He tells you he is not emotionally safe. He is not ready. He is not the kind of man he should be.
A sobering story that happened in the stay of this relationship - where he selfishly refuse to spend his strength on you. In other words, he used you.
You were pursued, but not really; you were wanted, but only superficially.
And so when he said he's not a real man, it is true. A real man loves you because there is just no reason not to. A man like him, finds every reason not to love you.

He does not know what is love.

He does not know there is a beauty to rescue. Somehow, you were probably the bleeding knight, and him the beauty in the tower. It is funny.
You are not the reason he wants to fight. And that is the core of every woman's heart. The wound that leaves a devastating message - No, you're not beautiful and no one will really fight for you.

Thank him for leaving because your heart is core to who you are. This "wellspring of life" within you is the very essence of your existence, your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you - God created you AS A WOMAN. His image bearer. You are to be loved. Greatly loved.

TO BE ROMANCED
I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far - I will find you
Nathaniel to Cora in The Last of The Mohicans

The heart of every woman longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for.


And so we left, 3am in the morning. He gave me a, 'It's okay' when I said I wanted to walk up myself, which is pretty bad. 'It's okay' meant he still had to walk beside me, something I find very irked to do. I ended it firmly with taking the lift up myself because the last refuge of a man, the very last shred of being a gentleman - a man like him, is not even an offer I can find myself take.


I like what Mandy once wrote in her blog:

Letter to myself
You are better than this. Yes, you do love him. Too much in fact. You love him. But you don’t need him. Why would you need or even want a guy who leaves you over and over again because of his own insecurities? He knows it. He knows that you will always be there waiting for him no matter how long he’s going to take. Don’t let him take you for granted. You deserve so much more.

You are what every guy looks for in a girl. Understand that. You are amazing. You are willing to sacrifice everything for love. There will be so many other better guys who are going to come into your life and fall for you in an instant. So do it. Move on. Wait for the guy who will do the same for you. Wait for the one who will love you more than he can love himself. The one who will never let you wait because he’s too afraid to lose you. The one who is always there for you, whether you need him or not because he loves you so much. Wait for the guy who can look you straight in the eye to tell you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with nobody else but you.
Move on.
Stop waiting.
There is no point in waiting for somebody who doesn’t realise your value.
I love you. You will be fine.
Trust me. Life always goes on.

Captivating
What a comfort to also know that this universe we live in is relational at its core, that our God is a tenderhearted God who yearns for relationship with us. Look at the message he sent us in Woman. Not only does God long for us, he longs to be loved by us. He wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority. How could we have missed this?
From cover to cover, beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing how humble and how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will find Me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me - I want you to pursue Me."

This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of God. He wants us to love him. To seek Him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after too, with the whole heart of a pursuer. God endows Woman with qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God.

Tender and inviting, initmate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve. And this is ME : )

You can never find a better reason to move on, than a man who does not want to pursue you.

Now is the time.

A cry above

Powerless to resist a cry today, I did it during office hours.
It actually felt really, really good.

My much needed settling came to the rights of my mind a lot later and realised -
He is normal.
I am different.

He. is. very. nice.
I. dont. like. nice.

He is liberal.
I still have insecuritites.


Maintaining a hard shell of cool will be my very best bet.

But I am happier. JESUS <3

No formulas; just His love

Whoops. I think I recently changed my sleeping time to 3am.

By feeling I would say today is just trash.
By rightful value I would say today is a very God day.

Of late I have been stretched, tested, challenged and poked at so much it has become severely NORMAL for me to believe my feelings are rubbish. Because nothing stands for feelings.
Nothing.

I was griefed when I became someone's dart board today. Favourite board to say the least.
When it happened the first time today, I was okay. When it happened the second time, I was half-okay. When it happened THE THIRD TIME, I WAS NOT OKAY!
Of cos.
I'll be absolutely flaky if I said I was please.

This very humourless incident took place just about everywhere I was today. I do not feel like rehearsing the mix-hurt; so let me just use, lack of a better word - INDIGNATION (once again).
Frankly this is the perfect word to use for (really). It is also synonyms with Angry, Resentful and Mad.

Haha. Well. Never denied I got angry.

The bloody tongue to snide back. I just held it.
Offended. Hurt. Outraged (on the inside).
Sorry but which part of normal-friends-talk-to-each-other-in-a-non-voice-raising manner do you not understand?

I know. I am a bugger also.

Lynn asked me this really good question:
"Mel, if he keeps doing this to you, do you think you'll one day just not love him anymore?"

I said,
"Ya."

But God is really cute. He asked me, "Why?"
I reflected back at my answer, wondering if it is an answer founded on the rojak-hurt or an answer I truely believed in.

Does this mean there is no more forgiveness the next time this happens?
If so, how do you calculate enough forgiveness? When will forgiveness end?

Crazy. It doesn't.

Forgiveness is everyday, everything!!! Omg.
How will a change in behaviour remove the need to forgive? There are so many more things for you to forgive. Wait and some people can give you somemore.
I do too (make people angry) but that's not the point.

If this love is based on behaviour, I would have left LONG AGO (come on agree with me). To question whether I will love him [anymore] based on his doings and behaviour is totally irrelevant now isn't it? You don't love someone on the account of pleasant things he does, right? Same you wouldn't stop loving someone for the wrong things he does.
[That said, please do not go out and marry a fool - we are on the topic of love and forgiveness, not blind and insanity] [Do not bother asking me if I will thus, avail myself to him now; the answer is NO! I have a brain]

And because amid it all, I have the best author: GOD - To WRITE MY LOVE STORY.
Beautiful love story.

Who am I to worry?

My greatest honour will always be to serve my Lord and King

Whao. Because whao does not mean wow in any sense, you'd have guessed my threshold for work has been greatly, greatly reduced. To zero, I think today.

I let everyone leave the office by 7pm and myself stay back; either because I have not finished my work or work never ends. Yes, these two complement each other.

I let go and cried on my notebook. I kept crying. Pouring my heart to Jesus.

Why is my work so unfulfilling yet taxing?
Why am I tasked to do everything (Legal to HR to Finance to Data Entry)?
Why does it seem like my boss is killing me very softly?

Spending time doing things I don't enjoy is starting to make less and less sense.

I look at her emails and remind myself she is bread for me.
But even that thought didn't digest. Eating her would be terribly undelicious (insert laugh?)

I dried my tears, contemplated skipping tennis for the 3rd time but went anyway.
The journey there made great by my Lord Jesus, who asked me again, "Do you trust Me? Do you know I love you?"
I returned Him myself and the urge to take flight.
Jesus took over.

At 10:16pm I received an email (from her). Generously polite and unfrightening.
Jesus forced her to send it to me. Haha

I did not have the best tennis game. But I had the best love / comfort / help I ever wanted - JESUS.

Soggy sleepy; almost a wonderland of romantic slush I'm writing

Spent some quality time with pea today before the week hits "PACKED", catching up with the goss, fellowshipping, shopping and missing every bit of this married best friend (while still seeing so much of her!).

I want to get married too!

Aww. I did so much before, then I didn't so much, and then didn't at all. Now I do (!) again!
[I won't make you believe]

In theory I probably shouldn't believe in love (right now) but I still do (like you Mandy! Woohoo!), very much indeed thank you. I'm still deemed in the right spirit okay! Because God says so!

Spoke to L just now. Found out he is dating!
A little sketch of a really happy him wandered my mind. I smile. I'm happy. I'm not surprised he's seeing someone, I'm more surprised how almost indifferent I feel towards someone I used to think so fondly of, fell so quickly for, fought with, cried with, laughed with and towards the end, a bad breaking up with.

It feels funny - what once was called it, is now best lost to the winds of time, proving Jesus heals all wounds and our stupid imperfect memories.

But do we all move on like that?
To paraphrase my statement, isn't it tiring meeting new people?

I'm thinking: Yes, it is tiring.
I'm believing: But it is good.
I'm thinking: No it isn't.
I'm believing: I'm sure it is.


Oh, I'm drowsing off. I'd had the sort of day where you wake up already tired and it never quite comes together from there.
Mwah. Out.

The God I know

Although I am not from CHC and I love NCC uber much, this is an incredible song : )

Glory to Jesus!

Love will never weary me

I spent time with MOMMMYYYY today! And whipped up dinner : ))))

Steeped in a sort of nostalgia. I miss Dad. For that, I'm making a mental note to spend more time with mom. She is really happy today!! The littlest things we did - Grocery shopping and fighting to carry my laptop bag - I know I was a big part of my mom's life ten years ago. I know I still am.

I love her.

Her birthday is 17-June.. the day after tomorrow.

Give me ideas Abba! : )))


Kept in His heart, cherished and jealously loved; my Lord Jesus - I love You too.